Letters from the Editors

For my Experimental Fiction workshop. Read https://jekawrites.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/do-not-read-until-after-letters-from-the-editor/ AFTERWARDS. It’s all explanatory and junk. 

Letters from the Editors

 

Here at the Magazine, it has been our policy since our founding to answer all the correspondence that we receive. With the advent of the internet, we have at times seriously considered changing this policy. However, in the spirit that this policy was created, we have yet to do it. In exchange, we allow our editors to answer the emails that we receive in any way that they deem fit. Here are some of the results for your enjoyment. Did we forget to mention that our editors occasionally send out some unsolicited doozies of their own? Many names have been changed to protect the innocent and the “innocents.” Sometimes they stray outside the boundaries of good taste, but we love them anyway.

_________________

Dear Submitter,

While we did not find your piece, “The Title of Your Piece,” to be a good fit for our publication, it did fit perfectly into our budgie’s cage. Rest assured your work is quite inspirational: Petey is channeling Jackson Pollock.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Submitter,

While filling an envelope with bat guano was an immensely original project, we are afraid that the magazine is not equipped to publish animal feces. We would not be interested in similar work of yours in the future.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Friend,

We greatly appreciate the thoughtfulness behind your signing us up for the Shemale Llama Parade newsletter and similar mailing lists, but we must insist that, as such Newsletters are considered NSFW (not safe for work), you sign us up only for pictures of kittens making adorable mischief.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Kittens Making Adorable Mischief,

We regret to inform you that, unfortunately, no, you can not has cheezburger. The nutritional values alone are enough to make us cringe at the thought of feeding such a thing to juvenile felines such as yourselves, and, given the current economic downturn, nothing could justify our placing the item on our expense account.

To your health,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Obifan_Kenyonce,

We regret that, due to legal reasons, and in particular, a little thing called copyright law, we were unable to accept your excellent and enthralling submission, “Luke Skywalker’s Date with Destiny…’s Child – OC M/F Xover SW+DC.” However, we encourage you to post this wonderful oeuvre to fanfiction.net. The world needs to know about their love.

Your fans,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Ms. Candee,

Please accept our attached offer of a one-year subscription to the Magazine. We hope that you will get back on your feet soon and that you will no longer have to send such lurid offers of your body by email. There are many good resources out there to help you. This issue of the magazine even has some pretty inspirational stories. Really though, it is amazing just how close together we are located – maybe we went to the same high school? Where did you see our profile again?

All the best,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Cheap PILLS FAST Pharmaceuticals,

Thank you for your continued interest in “Little Editor,” as I like to call him. Actually, he is plenty tall for his age and my partner likes him very much. If I should ever have any doubts about his performance, you will be the first to know. By the way, he is waving at you.

Hard and fast forever,

The Editor

_________________

Dear Nigerian Prince,

Thank you for the chance to make some money of off your distress. Ordinarily, we would love to help with this urgent, private matter AND be paid to do so. We are not authorized to provide you with any of the magazine’s banking information, but we would like to thank you by making a counter-offer. Being that it is the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, the monarchy is currently a hot-button issue. Should Canada break away from the monarchy? Is this traditional connection just good relations? Should we wait and decide when the lovely lady is no longer with us? Who better than someone such as yourself, who is also royalty, to comment? We would like you to consider writing an editorial for us in the next issue of the magazine.

God Save the Prince (You!),

The Editors

_________________

Dear Oxfam International,

If we order six dozen chicks now, can you deliver them by our office Christmas Party, which is December 13th? Some of the guys have doubts about getting a goat from you too, but we said, “Hey, it is the new millennium.”

Love the work that you are doing,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Moms,

Yes, we are eating breakfast, lunch and dinner while wearing warm sweaters and boots instead of our sneakers in the snow. Thank you for the scarves but please use our personal emails to contact us – except if you are submitting to the magazine, of course.

Love,

Snookums

The Editors

_________________

Dear Chainletter Forwarder,

Your email said to forward it to twenty people and we would get a wish. Does it still work if we send it to one person twenty times?

We will let you know,

The Editors

P. S: We thought you would appreciate all the extra wishes. Hope you know 400 people!

_________________

Dear Dharma,

Our magazine does not have a horoscope section, but since you asked, we will write you a horoscope. The birthday that you included in your email tells us that you are a cancer. (But don’t feel too bad, a lot of people are cancers, even if that is not their astrological sign.) We won’t bore you with the science of the reading – we’ll just get down to it.

You are working hard but those surrounding you don’t seem able to recognize it. You are a well spring of talent waiting to blossom into a geyser of success. A secret crush may take notice of you if you make an effort to stand out from the crowd. This week is a lucky time for love. But you could also find yourself heartbroken as your love interest starts kindling new flames – make sure you are one of them but don’t burn up. An unexpected windfall could occur, but only if you watch out for opportunity. Opportunity knocks once, but it never learned to ring a doorbell. Watch out for strangers bearing gifts and steer clear of buildings.

Your lucky days are Tuesday and Saturday. Your lucky colour is a chartreusy shade of puce. Your lucky numbers are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and any combination thereof.

Enjoy! We also do tarot readings if you ever feel like having us whip one up, and we can do palms if you send us a high-resolution .jpeg.

See you in the stars,

The Editors

_________________

April 1st, 2009

Dear Rube McMark,

Yep! You got it! We have decided to publish your work! Get in touch with us and we’ll hammer out the details.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Mr. Adams,

We were going to interview you about the anniversary of your seminal novel, but then we actually read it. This publication is interested in stories about real issues and the human condition, not about your bunny rabbits that get premonitions and run around England – and certainly not your giant bears that influence whole societies of heathens. Did you know, Richard, that Jesus is the one true prophet, not your lagomorphs (Okay, and also Moses and some other people, we will admit)? They don’t even have souls. Did you know that Jesus wants to save you personally, because he loves you?

If we ever read anything like this by you again, we will probably have to call your mother.

Ha-ha, just kidding, Dick. Can you imagine if we had actually written you a letter like that? Let’s set up a time for the interview. Huge fans of Shardik, by the way.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Mr. Simon,

Think that your typist accidentally put their grocery list in with your manuscript: “parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme?”

Good luck with the poetry.

We liked the bits about silence,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Male Facebook Friend,

Just thought we would pass on these resources – we saw your Facebook status update and how your new relationship status is “single,” which we took note of when we were totally working on our web presence:

–          Since your lady friend hinted that you have a little problem, we wanted to let you know that there are cheap pharmaceutical companies where you can get products FAST. We know a couple – just ask.

–          We know a very nice girl named Candee who is single right now and would like to meet you. She subscribes to the magazine!

–          Here is a link to some adorable kittens who want to eat junk food. One of them is rolled up in a sock. We hope it will cheer you up.

Call us if you want to talk,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Editors of the New Yorker,

Please find enclosed, our stories, “The Secret Lives of Editors” and “I, Webmaster,” for your consideration. They are tell-all creative non-fictions about the business of being the editors of a magazine.

About the Editors

The editors were born and raised in Centreville, which is a nice place to raise your kids up. Their work has been published in Local Student Magazine, Promising Low-level Government-Funded Arts Magazine, and in the Editors About Town chapbook. They are editors of Some Magazine.

Sincerely,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Our High School,

We would be honoured to come talk to the students for career day in order to encourage them to pursue their dreams and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. We are proud of our past and want to breathe life into the future generation. We just have a few requests to ensure a smooth visit for all parties involved.

  1. That our air fare to and from the event be fully covered (although we are not sure that if there is service from Downtown to the Suburbs in this backwards city.)
  2. That we be picked up in a grey town car with darkened windows. (Success has its price, we are afraid.)
  3. That Ms. Jones, the hot English teacher, be our chaperone for the day.
  4. That mineral water be on hand at all times.
  5. That were are provided with free pizza lunch from the cafeteria.
  6. No pictures, please.

Looking forward to seeing you,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Mr. Tokay,

Normally, contributors to the magazine are awarded a small honorarium and a publishing fee. Your request for an alternative method of payment – especially such an unusual one – has got us stymied. We, more than probably anyone else in the whole world, understand that it is the new millennium. We are freeing ourselves from the unreasonable, outdated, outmoded, and outrageous beliefs and taboos of our forefathers, yes! However, we cannot wholly escape the materialistic needs of this plane. Our bodies are not free from desire. Our atman is not Brahman. Our piraku is not with us and about us. Honestly, our chakra sucks.

Basically, if we were to pay you in illegal drugs, as you have requested, we would probably get fired. Most of us like having food and places to call home. But we don’t want to harsh your mellow, burst your weather balloon, or piss on your sno-cone. Cheer up kid! Kiddarino, friend, pal, bud! You can even use the money to buy yourself some bud!

We will be sending you money,

The Editors

_________________

Dear Government of Canada/

Canadian Council for the Arts/

People who give us Money,

We are writing to thank you very kindly for the money that you give us and to tell you why you should continue to give us more money in the future. First off, we are usually or always very courteous when you do (see the “thank you” message above). We will say thank you in as many ways as possible, including free subscriptions to the Magazine (this is not considered a bribe as we will call them contributors’ copies – because you are contributing money. Aha – you see how that works? We are pretty good with words. Great for coffee tables!) and writing poetry for you to give to your love interest, whoever that may be (S. Harper – we believe yours has the initials U.S.A?)

Second off, art matters. Yes, seriously! Because if you don’t give us money, we could make satirical art about you and there will be a lot of hurt feelings. (Okay, we will do it anyway if you give us money, but we will be nicer about it and you will appear like a good sport who gives money even to people who make fun of him/her because free speech is O.K. by you.) Art also matters because it is the mark of civilization – trust us, we know. By funding us, you are reaffirming that you are civilized, which makes you cool in our books.

Some other quick reasons why you should keep giving us money:

–          You’ve already set a precedent.

–          You’ve got to give the money to somebody.

–          We can make you honorary writers/artists, which, we understand, the chicks dig (ask Oxfam!)

–          We like you better than any of those other guys do.

–          We will do our best to keep you honest (whoops, sort of dropped the ball there.)

–          You need to balance your karma from all that election fraud.

Sincerely,

The Editors of that Magazine

(Okay, so they didn’t actually send this one, but it did go around the office.)

_________________

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